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Chazan At Shul With Best Kiddush In Town Thinks People Come To Hear Him Sing
“Ten times the number most of the other shuls in the area get.” Jerusalem, January 9 – A man who leads Sabbath daytime services with some frequency at a local synagogue has convinced himself that the...
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J-Street To Offer Conversion So Antisemites Can Libel Israel ‘As A Jew…’
Forging Identity for Goyim to Legitimize Explicit Antisemitic Fulminations (FIGLEAF). Washington, January 18 – An American organization that labels itself “pro-Israel, pro-Peace” but uniformly endorses...
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Single Prehistoric Supercontinent Means All Land Actually Islamic
Pangaea’s Islamic status does not necessarily indicate that earlier supercontinents were not also Dar-al-Islam. Istanbul, January 29 – Geologists and religious scholars have teamed up to analyze some...
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Guitar Sitting Ominously In Corner At Synagogue Teen Leadership Seminar
The sight indicated they were in for an even more awkward time than the cringe they had anticipated. Jerusalem, February 7 – Participants in a local house of worship’s youth development program noted...
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Madrassa Instructor Caught Masturbating To Pics Of IDF Troops In Diapers
“If it were actual kids, or goats, no one would mind.” Jerusalem, February 18 – Scandal rocked a renowned Islamic seminary this week upon the discovery that a beloved instructor there habitually...
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After Enslaving Hebrews, Pharaoh Calls Plagues ‘Escalation’
“We could have capped the level of suffering at slavery and infanticide vs. occasional blood, amphibians, and bugs. No, you had to introduce pestilence.” Thebes, February 27 – The emperor of the...
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Progressives Ambivalent About Bible: Characters Nonwhite But Whites Fond Of Them
“It’s doubly problematic because we associate the word Israel with oppressors.” New York, March 7 – Advocates for cultural and ethnic diversity voiced mixed feelings about the foundational set of books...
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God Too Busy Listening To Freddy Mercury’s Dope-Ass Music On Repeat To Judge Him
Attempts by several angels to interrupt with questions prompted a divine grin and the words, “Don’t Stop Me Now.” Supernal Heavens, March 19 – Ministering angels disclosed today that the Supreme Being,...
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Office Of Inquisition Revived For Use Against Insufficiently ‘Pro-Palestine’...
“Anyone with insufficient devotion to freeing Palestine through blood and fire cannot claim to be progressive.” New York, March 28 – A mostly-moribund institution of the Roman Catholic Church that for...
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Elders Forget Gentile Blood; Jews Forced To Use Water In Matza For 3,336th...
“Preferably the blood of a Christian child, but that’s more custom than anything else. There weren’t any Christians yet at the Exodus.” Jerusalem, April 8 – The shadowy group coordinating the behavior...
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